


let me love the pain you're going through

by MadHatterNO7



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-12
Updated: 2016-11-12
Packaged: 2018-08-30 13:26:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8534923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadHatterNO7/pseuds/MadHatterNO7
Summary: Neil remembers his mother saying, "Soulmates don’t exist. They aren’t real. They are a burden that would get you killed."Neil supposes he knows why.His mother's soulmate was never his father.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 'Let Me Love the Lonely' - James Arthur.
> 
> Based on the soulmate AU where everyone is born with their soulmate's name on their body somewhere.
> 
> All mistakes are mine.

 

Neil has always been a soul trapped inside someone else’s body. He’s James, Stefan, Chris, Alex. Sometimes one of them, sometimes all of them. He doesn’t remember what it feels like to be Nathaniel, or Abram. His name has never been constant. None of them belonged to him, none of them were him. The only names that were ever constant were the names on his thigh and on his collarbone, and even sometimes he covered it up with makeup.

 

His mother knows about it, of course. It’s hard not to know when she rarely lets him out of her eyesight. She tries to beat the hope out of him, whenever she catches him staring at the one on his collarbone, surprisingly unmarked by the scar that runs beside it. It’s always vicious whispers followed by sharp pain.

 

_Soulmates don’t exist. They aren’t real. They are a burden that would get you killed._

 

(Neil supposes he knows why.)

 

She rarely hits his face because it gives him obvious bruises that earn them curiosity and sympathy, and they’re tired of making up excuses – _“he’s a clumsy boy”_ – so Neil closes his mouth, clenches his jaw and stops apologising when his mother’s fist makes contact with his stomach.

 

Sometimes he wakes up sticky and confused, but he doesn’t get to sort his feelings out before he recognises pain. It takes a long time, and it wasn’t easy, but he couldn’t afford to have sexual desires and fantasies. He stops looking at the soulmark on his collarbone, stops checking the other soulmark on his inner thigh. The wet dreams stop, now filled with darkness, nothingness – the void that seems to never stop calling him.

 

(His mother’s soulmate was never his father.)

 

_Soulmates don’t exist. They aren’t real. They are a burden that would get you killed._

 

His mother is dying this time. She’s bleeding out and her lips are curled into an unamused frown, knowing there is no way out of this. She takes a long look at Neil’s face, searching for something – anything. She seems to be happy about what she found because she soon falls asleep, the distant crashing of waves dimming, and silence dragging itself out.

 

Neil burns and burns that night.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Neil meets both his soulmates on the same day. He meets them as Neil Josten, a starting striker playing for the local high school team. He is Neil Josten, and his parents are alive and well. He is Neil Josten, and he is not their soulmate.

 

He spins lies, hides his soulmarks, and doesn’t allow anything to spill out of his mouth, not even half-truths. _It’s easy_ , he thinks, he’s spend all these years lying to his own mother, after all. Sometimes he could feel the pain digging into his chest, his ribs a cage, constricting his breathing. He bites down and decides it wasn’t anything that could break him.

 

(It’s hard to break something that’s already broken.)

 

They have Nathaniel written on them and he wasn’t Nathaniel and he could never give them Nathaniel. Abram is the closest truth.

 

There are times when Neil watches Kevin and Andrew interact, and wonder why they’re not together. He doesn’t need to wonder far, though.

 

Kevin Day has grown up under the constant taunt of Riko Moriyama about having two soulmates. He _knows_ the name Wesninski. He _knows_ how the son of Nathan Wesninski is dead. He has long decided not to think about what that means for him. He focuses on exy and tries to forget about the other pieces of his soul.

 

Andrew Minyard hates it. He hates the soulmate system and he hates how he has two soulmates, because that seems to mean _having a few more is okay_ when his foster father tries to assault him with several others. He hates seeing Drake flaunting his soulmark – a _Laura_ – in front of his face when he holds Andrew down. He hates everyone and everything.

 

(He hates himself the most.)

 

Scar tissue covers the name _Nathaniel Wesninski_ on his arm, and he remembers his laughter when he crossed out the name _Kevin Day_ adorned his inner thigh. He spends his days pretending he doesn’t have any soulmates. _He knows he didn’t have any_ when Drake kisses the scar that used to be Kevin Day.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Kevin finds out his birth name and Neil watches the pain on his face bloom. His soulmate is alive, his _soulmates_ are alive, but none of them are safe from danger. Neil watches him close his eyes, trying to soothe the incoming panic attack. Neil knows from experience that some may not want to be touched when they’re breaking.

 

“Will you still teach me?” He asks instead.

 

Kevin’s eyes flicker open, his mouth drawn into a sad, almost wistful smile.

 

“Every night.”

 

(Just like the nights he spent pouring over the thoughts of his soulmates – one dead and one refusing to acknowledge the system.)

 

 

* * *

 

 

Neil sits on rooftops and Andrew’s smoke reminds him of his mother. Andrew flicks an unlit cigarette at him, and watches him watch him.

 

_“Don’t look at me like that. I am not your answer, and you sure as fuck aren’t mine.”_

 

Neil finds it slightly ironic and laughter threatens to come out of his throat. Andrew unknowingly gave his soulmate a key, a home. A home so close to being a person and not a place that Neil knows it’s eating him alive from inside out.

 

Two years ago and he wouldn’t have dreamt of this. Two years ago he would have rubbed his skin raw and thought _maybe another life_.

 

So when Andrew asks, “yes or no?” He listens to the empty sound of his own heart and says yes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Neil kisses Andrew and wonders how someone so detached from reality can keep him above the water like this. Neil kisses Andrew and wonders what it feels like to feel Kevin’s skin underneath his touch, his mouth against his neck. Neil kisses Andrew and feels guilt pooling in his stomach, thinking how shit of a person he is, kissing his soulmate while his mind on the other.

 

(But Andrew kisses Neil and understands. Andrew kisses Neil and chooses Neil over Nathaniel, over Kevin. Andrew kisses Neil and tastes the same guilt on his lips.)

 

 

* * *

 

The truth is no longer Nathaniel Wesninski, but Neil Josten. Andrew has Neil in his hands as they speak rapid German to each other, and Neil tries his best to speak. Kevin’s throat is decorated with bruises, just slightly above the name Andrew Minyard.

 

Andrew laughs because he’s in love with his soulmates that he’s spent most of his life hating. He laughs because his soulmates love him back.

 

_“You like me.”_

_“I hate you.”_

(But Nathaniel was not Neil, and he asks Neil Josten to stay.)

 

 

* * *

 

 

Kevin comes home drunk out of his mind and a bandage on his face. Both of his soulmarks are somewhat exposed, with the tip of Andrew’s mark showing underneath the cut of his collar and Neil’s mark visible on his arm.

 

Neil’s heart swells up with pride at the sight of the covered-up number.

 

“You did it,” he says, bubbling emotions almost taking his voice away.

 

“Let Riko be King,” he shrugs the best he can. “Most coveted, most protected. He’ll sacrifice every piece he has to protect his throne. Whatever. Me?” He gestures at himself. “I’m going to be the deadliest piece on the board.”

 

“Queen,” Andrew says somewhere behind Neil. He watches Kevin with hooded eyes for a few long seconds before turning around and going back to his own room. Neil watches him disappear around the corner before turning his attention back to Kevin. He’s already fast asleep on their couch, and Neil smiles to himself as he pulls a blanket over Kevin.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Neil kisses Kevin in front of Andrew and Kevin understands. Neil kisses Kevin and tries to stop Kevin from hurting. Neil kisses Kevin _and_ Andrew and it tastes like safety and it doesn’t feel like damnation.

 

(They try to kiss each other’s ghosts away.)

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Soulmates don’t exist. They aren’t real. They are a burden that would get you killed._

 

His mother’s voice wakes his up early in the morning, just before their alarm clock goes. Neil regains his senses quickly, and he realises Andrew’s legs are entwined with his own and Kevin’s arm is thrown protectively around his waist. His sudden movement earns a sleepy groan from Andrew, and Kevin opens an eye, only to see Neil with tears rolling down his cheek.

 

Kevin reaches up and hovers over Neil’s face until Neil nods. He cups his face in his hands, calls him baby boy and asks him what’s wrong. Neil's own hand comes up to hold Kevin’s hand in place, closes his eyes and tries to imitate Kevin’s breathing.

 

Neil doesn’t stop crying, and Kevin starts to feel panic and dread rise up from his stomach to his throat. It stops when Andrew comes into his line of sight and points to Kevin’s arm. Everything starts to make sense when Kevin looks down and _oh_.

 

The mark no longer says Nathaniel Wesninski.

 

It says _Neil Josten_ instead.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Tumblr @[arentwelost](http://arentwelost.tumblr.com)


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